Best Classic Jokes Ever I

A man walks past a psychological hospital and listens to a moaning tone of voice "13....... 13....... 13......... 13" the man viewed towards the hospital and watched a hole within the walls, he viewed throughout the hole and gets poked on the eyes. The moaning tone of voice then groaned '14......... 14......... 14....... 14. '

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Throughout their silver wedding anniversary, a wife reminded her hubby: Would you remember whenever you proposed to me, I was so confused that I didn't talk on an hours? " The husband answered: "Yes, darling, that has been the most happy hours of my entire life. "

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A guy moves in to a burger store and requests a typical meals. Afterwards, the waitress delivers his meals to him. He takes a bite out of it, and notices there is a little hair inside the burger. He starts shouting anxiously on the waitress, "Waitress, there is a hair within my burger! I need to find out what's going on! "

Thus, the waitress takes him to come back the place that the cook is and to his demise, he views the cook take the meats patty and flatten it below his arm pit. He says, "That's disgusting! "

Then the waitress says, "You imagine that is disgusting you need to view him make donuts.

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"One day a girl brings home her boyfriend and tells her father she wants to marry him.

Love Dress or Naked Dress?

A woman stopped by unannounced at her recently wedded boy's house.

She rang the doorbell and went inside. She has been surprised to find out her daughter-in-law laying on the sofa, fully nude.

Soft tunes had been playing; the smell of parfum filled up the room.

"What have you been doing? " she asked. "I'm awaiting my husband to come home coming from job, " the daughter-in-law answered.

"But you are nude! " the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is actually my own love dress, " the daughter-in-law described.

"Love dress? But you are nude! "

Funny Marriage Stories

Marriage (Part I)

Typical macho guy wedded typical good-looking woman and after the wedding party, he lay down the following guidelines: "I'll be house while i really want, if I really want and at what time I want-and I do not be expecting any kind of hassle coming from you. I be expecting a great dining for being on the table except I say that I will not be home for dining. I will go hunting, do some fishing, boozing and card-playing while i would like together with our aged friends and now don't give us trouble regarding it. All those tend to be my guidelines. Any feedback? "

His new bride said, "No, that is okay along with myself. Simply just understand or know that there will probably be having sex right here at 7 o'clock every night... whether you are here or perhaps not. "

Marriage (Part II)

Couple have a bitter quarrel on the day with their 40th wedding anniversary!

2 Blind Pilots in the Airplane

Airplane and 2 Blind Pilots

2 blind pilots together are using black a pair of glasses, the first is by using a guide dog, and also the other is tapping his way along the aisle using a walking cane.

Nervous laughter spreads throughout the cabin, but the guys enter in the cockpit, the entrance closes, and the machines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, looking for several indicator until this is just a little bit practical joke. None is forth-coming.

If you want to Lose Weight Fast, try this method (guaranteed)

Man and His Lose Weight Fast Programs

One day a man calls a company and purchases how to lose 10 pounds programs in 5 days on their weight loss programs.

The next day, there is a knock on the front door and now there stands just before him a voluptuous, athletic, nineteen year old babe dressed in nothing but a set of Nike jogging shoes and a sign close to her neck.

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss programs company.

The sign says, "If you can get myself, you will get myself. "

With out a 2nd thought, he takes off soon after the girl.

A few miles later huffing and puffing, he lastly gives up.

The same woman shows up for the next 4 days and also the same thing happens.

On the 5th day, he weighs him self and is delighted to get he's lost ten pounds. as guaranteed.

Women and Auto Teller Machines (ATM)

A new signal inside the Bank Lobby reads:

"Please take note that this Bank is adding new Drive-through ATM machines allowing consumers to pull away money with out leaving behind their own cars. Consumers by using brand new facility are required to use the types of procedures outlined underneath while being able to access their own balances.

After a few months of watchful investigation, MEN and WOMEN procedures are already made.

Make sure you follow the appropriate steps for your gender:

MEN PROCEDURE

Money and Woman

At this time there was a man exactly who worked most of his lifetime and saved all his money. He was an actual miser when it came to his money. He loved money greater than almost anything, and just before he passed away, he told his wife, "Now listen, when I die, I would like you to take all my money and place it in the casket with me. I wanna take my money to the afterlife. "

So he got his wife to promises him with all her heart and soul that when he died, she would certainly decide to put all of the money in the casket with him.

Fighting 9 Years Old Boy

Andy little 9-year-old came home with bloody noses, black eyes, and clothes torn. Obviously he had been fighting and losing. His father treat his wounds as he asked what had happened.

"Well," said Andy, "I was challenging David duel. And, you know, I let him choose his own weapon. "

"Oh yes?" Said Dad, "Fair enough, too."

"Yes, but I do not know that he will choose the older brother!"...

Advanced Very explanation.

A boy aged four years was eating an apple in the backseat of a car on the way home from school.

He asked his father, who was driving, "Daddy, why is the color of my apple turn brown?"

"Because," replied the father explained, "After you eat the skin, the flesh of apples that will be directly in contact with air, which causes the pulp oxidized with molecules that can alter the structure of the apple fruit, apple fruit so that eventually it changes color. "

Funny stories of school children

Humor funny story begins when the first day after the long holiday.
When class started, there was a dialogue between teachers and students

Teacher: Children, how are you feeling today?
Student: happy mam!
Teacher: The first word wise I will ask what is often said to your father?
Student 1: Life is should we "STRONG LIKE BULL"!
Teacher: oooh, you're definitely the father of cattle sellers huh?
Student 1: very well mam
Teacher: oh worthy, now you!
Student 2: My father said life must be beautiful like "FLOWER"!

Penis on the black board

One day when the teacher walked to the black board, she noticed someone had
written the word 'penis' in tiny small letters. She turned around, scanned the
class looking for the guilty face. Finding none, she quickly erased it, and
began her class.

The next day she went into the room and she saw, in larger letters, the word
'penis' again on the black board. Again, she looked around in vain for the
culprit, but found none, so she proceeded with the day's lesson.

Wrong Asking

A police officer was asked the defendant, who did the beating of a wife to the husband.
 
Police: "What the husband said to you this morning"
Wife: "He said, 'now what time is Jane?"
 
Police: "then why are you angry and beat up your husband because of the question."
 
Wife: "because my name is Anne"

Warm Clothes

A young man sent his father a
warm clothes he buys for $ 200.

So that his father did not fuss, he said
clothing prices were only 10 dollars. one week
then her father called.

"Oh great!" he exclaimed, "This shirt is
managed to sell $ 25. It's big business,
quickly send a dozen more. "    /wahaha  /wahaha

A woman and Magic Lamp

A woman rubbed a magic lamp and the genie was out of magic.
"Because thou hast set me free from confinement, I will grant one request for you." said the genie
"Oh look genie cat in my lap, I wanted to turn it into a handsome man."
"blamm" the cat was changed into tom cruise. Without the long wait she immediately jumped into my lap tom cruise
"whether there is a message from you before we make love." said the woman told the genie.
"Yes." replied the genie. "You will regret your cat neutered last week."  /floor  /floor

Parrot bird can sing a song

Peter is a fan of beautiful birds gather and tunable voice .  Cause Peter got the story from a friend in the market if there is a bird species of rare parrots that can talk.  Peter then departed in the hope of getting a parrot as it is in telling his friend.

Peter Arriving at a bird market in parrots who saw her legs tied with ropes of different colors by the owner of the bird. 

Right leg tied with white rope and left leg were tied with rope color yellow.
Cause of  curious,  Peter than to ask the parrots seller.

Smartes man in the world

A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane. Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble.

In spite of the best efforts of the pilot, the plane started to go down. Finally, the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, and bailed out.
Unfortunately, there were only three parachutes remaining.
The doctor grabbed one and said "I'm a doctor, I save lives, so I must live," and jumped out.

The lawyer then said, "I'm a lawyer and lawyers are the smartest people in the world. I deserve to live."
He also grabbed a parachute and jumped.

The priest looked at the little boy and said, "My son, I've lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace."

The little boy handed the parachute back to the priest and said, "Not to worry, Father. The 'smartest man in the world' just took off with my back pack."

sources

Bad Luck

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?"
"What dear?" She asked gently.

"I think you bring me bad luck."

sources

The Birds And The Bees

The Birds And The Bees

A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.

“I don’t want to know,” the child said, bursting into tears. “Promise me you won’t tell me.”

Confused, the father asked what was wrong.

The boy sobbed, “When I was six, I got the ‘There’s no Easter Bunny’ speech. At seven, I got the ‘There’s no Tooth Fairy’ speech. When I was eight, you hit me with the ‘There’s no Santa’ speech…”

”Sorry about that, but so what?” the father asked.

“…If you’re going to tell me now that grown-ups don’t really get laid, I’ll have nothing left to live for.” 

sources

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Duck in Feed Store

A duck walks into a feed store and asks, "Got any duck feed?"
The clerk tells him, "No, we don't have a market for it so we don't carry it."
The duck says, "Okay," and leaves.
The next day, the duck again walks in to the feed store and asks, "Got any duck feed?" Again the clerk says no and the duck leaves.
Next day, the duck once again walks in, and asks, "Got any duck feed?"
The clerk says, "I've told you twice, we don't have duck feed, we've never had duck feed and we never will have duck feed. If you ask me again, I'll nail your feet to the floor." The duck leaves.
The next day, the duck walks in and asks, "Got any nails?"
"No."
"Got any duck feed?"

sources

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Married with Bill Gates's daughter

Father: "I want you to marry a girl of my choice."
Son: "I will choose my own bride!"
Father: "But the girl is Bill Gates's daughter."
Son : "Well, in that case... ok."

Next, Father approaches Bill Gates.
Father: "I have a husband for your daughter."
Bill Gates: "But my daughter is too young to marry!"
Father: "But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank."
Bill Gates: "Ah, in that case... ok."

Finally Father goes to see the president of the World Bank.
Father: "I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president."